Dear Amy,

My mother means well, but she’s driving me crazy. She constantly undermines my parenting choices — she questions how I discipline my kids, criticizes their bedtime routines and slips them junk food behind my back. If I tell my daughter she can’t have candy before dinner, my mom will say, “Oh, just one won’t hurt!” I’ve tried setting boundaries, but she always brushes me off, saying, “I’m just helping!” It’s stressing me out, and I’m worried it’s confusing the kids. How can I make her understand she’s overstepping without causing a blowout?

Sincerely, Tired of Tug-of-War

Dear Tired of Tug-of-War,

A classic case of “mother knows best”, the only problem is there’s too many mothers. Try turning the tables on her. If she orders a coffee, dump a half cup of sugar in it and say, “Oh, just a little won’t hurt!” See how she likes the taste of her own medicine. Or use reverse psychology. Start praising her methods like they’re new-age parenting hacks. 

“Wow, Mom, I had no idea sugar before bedtime prevents nightmares!” She might get the hint — or start writing a parenting blog.

If she still hasn’t seen the error of her ways, craft a flowchart called, “How Not to Overstep as a Grandparent” and pin it to the fridge. Include complex decision trees like, “Are you the parent? NO… Back off.” Add decorative arrows and lots of red ink. Then, the next time she undermines you, pull out a whistle and loudly declare, “Parenting foul! Five-yard penalty. Repeat first down!” If she keeps it up, toss in a flag and call for an instant replay.

It sounds like your mom’s heart is in the right place, but she’s making things harder for you by not respecting your parenting choices. It can be tricky to navigate, but setting clear, firm boundaries is crucial. Have a private, calm conversation where you acknowledge her love for the kids and her good intentions. Then, explain that consistency is important, and when she contradicts you, it undermines your authority and confuses the kids.

Let her know you appreciate her support, but emphasize that you’re the parent and need her to respect your rules, even if she doesn’t always agree. And remember, consistency is key. If she ignores your boundaries, politely but firmly remind her of your rules every time. It might feel repetitive, but it’ll reinforce that you mean business. It’s okay to be assertive — being clear now can save you years of frustration later!

Best of bad advice,

Amy